The truth hurts, irrespective of whether you’re hurt by the lie or a perceived truth. I think one of the most difficult truths to admit, is the truth about yourself, I mean after all we like to show people the best version of ourselves. We fear that if we don’t, we’ll be less liked or accepted so we build a persona for ourselves – one that we think/feel will be universally appealing to everyone. It's all part of social acceptance, and probably harks back to our animalistic heritage.
But what happens when those layers, that we keep well protected from others, become exposed? What happens when every little part of your life, including your deepest darkest secrets, are secrets no more? Suddenly those people, that previously saw your day-to-day persona, get to see an awful lot more than you would like them to.
Take a step back and think about that for a second, and whilst taking that step back consider all of the skeletons in your own closet, all those things that you keep hidden away from others. And then imagine what it must feel like to have your friends, family, work colleagues and neighbours discover all of those skeletons. Pretty fucking mind blowing right?!?
There is absolutely no life lesson that can prepare you for the engulfing fear that will flood your mind as a consequence of the very worst thing happening. Trust me, it’s a head fuck that I wouldn’t wish on anyone, perhaps not even my worse enemies. My own head fuck took me roughly 3 years to unravel, and even now there are a few bits and pieces that aren’t fully reconciled, and they might not ever be.
Anyways, I don’t want this blog to be too heavy and serious, I just wanted to set your head up with a few thoughts to ponder over – assuming that your head is in a pondering mood ?
Some of you might remember how George Michael (a true legend to some of us), was arrested for ‘lude’ (lol) behaviour by Los Angeles Police, back in 1999 for cottaging. It caused a huge media uproar at the time, because suddenly the world saw George in a very different light. Women that didn’t know he was gay (like duh!) wept into their Corn Flakes the next morning, whilst some of us (myself included) fell in love with the way he handled the whole thing.
Instead of blowing smoke up our asses, and let’s face it no one likes smoke blown up their ass (mind you though, now that I come mention it *mind briefly wanders off*) he realised that he had very few options but to take ownership of the whole thing and that’s an awesome (note to self, I must stop using that word) and courageous thing to do. He even called himself out by way of ‘Outside’, which not only is a bit of a banger, but has a great music vid to go with it (do young folk these days still use the term ‘vid’? Probably not, ah well)
Now of course you could argue that George had very little to lose, I mean he was an internationally known celebrity, with cash and a team of lawyers that could bail him out of it if it all went tits up. That’s not a luxury that we all have access to, but as a premise it’s a good way to engage you with the idea that if/when the unthinkable happens and there’s no way out, it’s best to find a way to gradually admit your own truths. George did that in 24 hrs, that was HIS way, but we’re not all like George.
George had to tackle two ‘truths’ firstly that he was gay (which frankly didn’t come as much of a shocker) and that as a gay man he liked to explore the sleazier aspects of sexual interaction…and why the fuck not! It was his life, his dick and whether gay or not all men like getting it sucked. I suppose there might be some ‘holier than thou' types out there that might say “but he’s like famous, he should act differently”
Why should he act differently exactly? Just because something doesn’t conform to what ‘you’ think is acceptable, it doesn’t make your perception correct. Indeed, if I knew something about your ‘holier than thou’ life, that I didn’t agree with, it doesn’t make my perception correct either. You’re entitled to your opinion, as I’m I, and as mind-blowing a concept as it might sound, does it really matter? Now, there are given variances and exceptions, without a shadow of a doubt, and it’s not my intention to travel a road of moral behaviours and argue a list of rights and wrongs.
This blog is about accepting our truths, and speaking from experience, that’s a tough thing to do. There are some mornings when I look at myself in the mirror, beyond what lies behind my eyes, and I realise that despite being 52, I’m still not quite the man I want to be. Having said that, there are some mornings where I repeat the same activity, and I realise that, overall, I’m not doing too badly ta very much.
Admitting and taking ownership of your truths, isn’t for the faint hearted and takes a shit load of time to deal with. I called a fair few number of people out (for various reasons) in my last blog, and at the same time I called myself out for ‘Jake Gate’ (lol) and why not? It was an, out of character thing for me to do, but I stand by my anger that led to that action.
I often wonder whether those that have set out to purposefully cause harm and destruction to my life would have the same backbone to call themselves out? Personally, I suspect not, as they all share the same negative trait, arrogance coupled with the inability to declare themselves as being wrong. They don’t have the capacity to admit their involvement because they’re too self-centred. Also, as their activity is criminal, they would possibly be facing prosecution through their admittance. No matter, because I know their truths and perhaps that’s more than enough.
Going back to lovely George, he knew that by taking ownership of his truths, he would be diminishing the power of the press, which was a smart move. You see when someone thinks they have power over you, your life is in their hands. But your life is NOT theirs to play with and control, it’s yours. And it’s this bit which is seriously important.
I’ve had to deal with my truths in stages, because contrary to popular belief, I’m not made of fucking titanium…. I’m flesh and blood just like everyone else and feel the same hurt and pain.
Of course, maybe if we had a legal system that properly addressed technology-based crimes, and didn’t leave so many of our current laws open to the interpretation of those who police them, and by interpretation, I mean social prejudices. If you're LGBTQ of any sexual orientation or colour, you’ll be treated with all the empathy of a lump of coal encased in lead (personal experience and POV) Also I wouldn’t have to be sitting here typing this blog! I’d be having lots of sex instead, although I might do that later in all honesty.
A part of me feels that by getting ‘everything out in the open’ it purges all of this poisoness crap from my soul, which gives me a sense of freedom to bloody well get on with things. Like the construction of new friendships, cracking on with my work life and one day providing a partner with the very best of foundations on which to build a life (my sincerest apologies, in advance, to whoever that might be !)
We all have baggage, and it’s called living a life! And anyone who declares that they have no baggage is clearly delusional. Our baggage is what makes us interesting, it’s our baggage that allows us to connect with other people. But the important part is not to allow your personal baggage to push others away, recognise it, embrace it and love it (because it is, after all, every bit a part of who you are). Every day I learn something new about myself, sometimes it’s a pile of shite, and sometimes it’s all good stuff. The one thing I’ve not quite cracked yet is to not be too hard on myself when I fuck up, something that we’re ALL guilty of. I’m gradually making good progress with that, and I think that’s all I can ask of myself.
The truth has become an important part of my life, very probably because I had an 8-year relationship with the king of bullshit (and I don’t mean that in any way that could be considered as being endearing) followed by another who manipulated the truth just to make his own actions seem entirely acceptable. Which must be said was at a considerable cost to me. In many ways there are some cross over similarities, between the two. To some of us, lies come easily, but then for others they keep us awake at night…it’s called having a conscious.
One of the advantages of being surrounded by sooooo much bullshit, is that your bullshit detector becomes quite finely honed and, providing that you listen to the damn thing, can reveal quite a lot about the person that’s spewing up the bullshit. Stories that don’t make sense, covering up for those times when they’ve slipped up in their own bullshit, or not really answering your questions and then turning everything around on its head, so that suddenly it’s ‘all your fault’, for example (purely fictitious of course)
You “That was a long time you spent at cinema last night with your friend, you said the performance was at 2pm. I didn’t get a text from you to say goodnight of anything, which kind of made me a bit sad”
Them “No I didn’t say that at all, cinema performances don’t start at 2pm anyway”
You “Sorry I guess I’m just feeling a little insecure about things, I mean I haven’t seen you in a while and my trust issues have been getting at me. This is like the second cinema visit with this friend in the space of a week”
Them “Are you saying that I met ‘someone’ before the cinema? Or that I didn’t even go? Or that I was at the cinema with someone who was more than a friend?”
You “Not at all, I’m just telling you how I feel, and we agreed to be honest with each other”
Them “Well that’s just stupid, it’s like me saying that you didn’t go to work today, therefore I shouldn’t trust you. It’s just stupid.”
You *stunned silence, jaw drops to floor and nuclear explodes*
Some people are better at bullshit than others, and the dialogue above might also mean that you’re in an abusive relationship with someone that isn’t even capable of admitting their own truths or even has the capacity to listen to your worries (even though they might not understand them). Empathy, I think, is important in a relationship and as I get older, I firmly believe that it’s a great foundation to start one with. Perhaps that’s where our ‘baggage’ comes in handy?
A lie (kind of) goes hand in glove with the truth, a lie can be hugely damaging – not just to the person that it’s aimed at, but the bystanders who might have been gullible enough to believe it. A lie is usually set up by the person that’s issued it, with the intention of making themselves sound like the victim of a given situation and (sadly) if they get there first most people are likely to believe them. You'll have a group of people, that will prefer to stand on the popular side of the fence. But one day, with the passage of time, some of those people will discover that they've been standing on the wrong side. They'll question the validity of what they've been told, by which time it'll all be too late.
I’m not saying that you need to own every chuffing truth you have, just those that you think might have caused the most damage or those that you want to work on and improve. Also, I think you need to roughly analyse what damage you think might have been caused and whether it’s short or long term. And whether it's localised or something much wider. Whatever the scale, it's going to be truly frightening, take the time you need to allow your head to settle. Reach out to friends, if you can, or get in touch with some of the support resources listed on this (and other) websites.
At this point I'm going to repeat something I said earlier, if we had laws to protect us from such vicious online activity there would be NO NEED for you to even have to consider any of the above.
There’s never a good time to find yourself in a position where you have to examine your truths. There's NEVER a good time for not just one penny to drop, but a whole fucking truck full. There's NEVER a good time, for you to look back at what were (at the time) seemingly innocuous conversations and discover that you've been duped. There's NEVER a good time to discover that the people that you previously thought of as 'pretty reasonable acquaintances' are anything but, and all it will take (to burst that bubble) is the arrogant stupidity of the person with the lie. To those of you that might someday experience all of the above, I wish that I were there for now to give you the biggest of hugs. It's such a horrible thing to realise.
For now, all I can say is....
Love the bits you hate because you’ll just end up denying them, which I’ve found to be an extremely unhealthy relationship with yourself. But above all, and this is often the tricky bit, don’t deny yourself the love of another person, just because some prick from the past has fucked you over.
Sometimes you must work your way through a number of pricks (lol) to find one that turns out not to be. Personally I hope that there won't be very many more.
Try and remember this, for whatever reason the universe has bestowed this awful thing upon you, you have a million times more backbone and courage than those that have hurt you via the lie. You might face a lot of sadness when you gradually come to realise quite how many people, who have NO ACTUAL clue about the real person that lies within, have back stabbed you half to death – and enjoyed every minute. They might live merely a few yards away, they might live in Monmouth or their distance might be several hundred to a thousand or so miles. There will be always be some people on the face of this planet that will understand how you feel right know, and I promise you that one of those people will be me.
From my own perspective, I’ll be buying less of their merchandise in the future (and will casually drift past their stalls at pride events), I won’t be passing the time of day (with a certain person) discussing how on earth I managed to make some of the dullest programmes known to man and woman kind sound vaguely interesting, and neither will I be subscribing to their mantra of ‘trying to be a better person’ (or words to that effect) when they clearly fail to be one themselves (lead by example). I might not be able to sustain a lie, for as long as some of you have, but by God can I write one hell of an interesting bit of text! And the great thing is, it'll be until I die. Perhaps even longer, if I make a provision to fund it, after I've popped my clogs! In my case the above, is merely skimming the surface.
I used to hope that there might be someone out there, one day, that might be able to educate on the hurtful and damaging aspects of lies and social media. But I guess I was wrong, and I was rather hoping not to be.
If any of this resonates with you, whoever/wherever you maybe, then that’s because you're experiencing life. What’s it called again? Oh yeah baggage…embrace it, love it, but don’t let it hold you back - otherwise you’ll be denying yourself of some of the greatest things that life has to offer. Don't let anyone else deprive you of the things that you hope to achieve.
Besides it counterbalances all of the bullshit! Oh I almost forgot, I'm now 3 months sober from recreational drugs 😊 #alwaysmoveforward #neverlookback #strength #bebrave #love
💜💜💜
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