I used to worry about the concept of growing older, a lot, and for many different reasons. The realisation of your own longevity, the feeling that you’re running out of time to correct the wrongs in your life or to find a happy place where your heart and soul (which are very possibly the same thing) can just simply be. The other thing, that used to keep me awake at night, is what other people think.
That last part I know quite a lot about, I’ve spent God knows how many years of my life trying to course correct after a group of people exposed my life in an image/tech abuse act, and of course trying to sweep up the mess of some questionable life choices in terms of drug addiction.
The weird thing is that, over the last few days, I’ve had another one of those ‘penny drop’ moments where I’ve suddenly realised that I’m beginning to care an awful lot less about the thoughts of others. Why? Because it’s not entirely within my control, so consequently it’s wasted energy. I also started to question why the thoughts of some total stranger (as that’s what they’re likely to be) or some individual who claims to ‘know’ me, based on a handful of months or years, is a worthwhile thing to even be thinking about. To qualify as ‘knowing David' you have quite literally had to be present in my life for 10 to 20 years or so….and even then, I have the capacity to pull a few surprises out of the bag. The only person that ‘knows me’ is me! Together with the intricate complexities (and oddities!) of my mind.
I guess the other thing that’s added to this ‘care less’ attitude has undoubtably been all the largely unpleasant things that I’ve discovered over the last few months. I’ve had, what? three years of this background shite going on and I ABSOLUTELY know that there’s more for me to discover, just waiting around the corner. There’s no way that I have the mental processing capacity to deal with that, so consequently I must ask myself ‘do I need to worry about this’? The answer that comes back is No, why is that?
1) I’m tired of processing it
2) I’m tired of having to think about it
3) It’s clogging up and absorbing mental energy that I could be directing toward something more interesting and productive
So, to summarize, David just feels done with it!
The other thing I’m done with is relationships. I discovered this after completing a book that a counsellor suggested that I read, following the end (or should I say termination!) of my last relationship. I felt that it was necessary so that I could try and understand why my ex had behaved in the way that he had, and why I felt I’d become this doormat for other people to just trample all over. NOT VERY David at all, at least not the one that I remembered. So, I started reading a book called ‘Attached’. It discusses several different relationship attachments styles, and through the course of the book you discover what your own attachment style is AND develop the ability to read other peoples. The idea being that you can have more empowerment, in terms of avoiding people who simply just won’t work for you inside a relationship or are mentally deranged lol!
At the start of the book, I was up for the concept of having another relationship at some point, but on completion, and whilst still discovering the crazy, and highly disturbing antics, of my ex partner, I’m very much in a fuck it place!
All I've gained from my last two relationships is, quite literally, an awful mess! A mess that I've had to tidy up myself, whilst they in turn enjoy their lives as if nothing has happened. They both have something in common, a selfish attitude, where they’ve placed themselves first, which in turn has had a hugely detrimental effect on my life. Why on earth would I possibly want to subject myself to more of the same?!? The answer is, I don't.
I’ve already ascertained that the number of years ahead of me, could very well be fewer than those that are behind me, and I quite literally don’t want another fuckface anywhere near my life and absorbing my time and energy, casually telling me that “I can trust them", only to find them selling me down the river, conjuring up lies and having dates with other guys with the ultimate intention of treating me like a piece of shit! The only thing I gained from my last relationship was an ass douche and some nipple clamps! Both of which were technically mine anyway, because it was my money that brought them!! These days I genuinely struggle to think of anything else, particularly given the realisation that not everything was as it seemed.
Trust is such an odd concept isn't it? I mean if some total stranger came up to you and said “hey give me your door keys” you’d either move very quickly away from them or Mace them (providing it was legal to do so!). But after a few months of dating someone we’re totally happy with the concept of subscribing to their empty claims of being trustworthy!
If you want me to ‘trust’ you, then prove your trust to me. I recently had a message from a guy on Instagram, which kindly said, “I hope you’ll be able to trust once again David”. Trust has been a HUGE struggle for me and was an issue that was introduced into my life in 2016, and was recently amplified by the c*ntface that I disposed of at the end of December 2021. It’s also left a swirling pool of anger, that I’m struggling to dispose of. I think I just need some time to deal with that. A LONG time! I can't even bring myself to say his actual name, so I now call him Dank Doodip. In fact, if you look carefully on my Twitter and Instagram profiles, you'll find a reference to Dank (also known as the Macedonian Hairboy!) One of my friends thought that Wank Doodip would have been a more fitting, and appropriate, name. Dank or Wank, it ultimately conjures up the same emotions for me, anger and hate.
To be clear this isn’t just about the loss of love, it’s about treachery and betrayal, as well as digital criminality, which I touch upon on Twitter and Insta. This is an individual whose headspace believes that he can treat people like dog shit (merde de chien, hondenpoep, hundescheiße) and not have to absorb any responsibility for the personal damage and carnage that he leaves behind, much like those that have aided and abetted him. My ‘What’s In It For Me’ attitude (which was the central driving force, behind my response to a series of harassment issues) has been effectively created by these people, but perhaps more so by my ex-partner and has self-centred/obsessed ways.
It took me, what, 3 to 4 years to start to speak out about the actions of one of those ex’s (Simon). It’s taken me 3 to 4 months to respond to the actions of my most recent ex, once I started to become aware that something, in the world around me, was starting to feel very obviously wrong.
So, I started playing a Poirot role, by doing a bit of detective work and paying a bit more attention to the activities of those that I had, shall we say, some doubts about. The best thing I could ever have done, was to delete my original Facebook account. That one single act triggered a flurry of changes, the primary source of information about ‘what David was getting up to’ had gone, along with all of those people who had been using it as a ‘David monitoring tool’ lol!
Suddenly those people had to find ‘new’ monitoring/stalking tools, and what’s the next worst thing that a stalker would use? Dating apps!! So out the door went Scruff and Grindr (with their precise location tracking), I can quite literally never use those apps in the same way that I used to. I’ve quite simply had to step back and analyse each bit of my life, and decide what modifications are required, to ensure that the only person that sits in the driving seat of my life, is ME! David has VERY much woken up and smelt the coffee and it very much smells like other peoples bullshit, mixed with a soupçon of their lies!
I’m still feeling my way around my new world, and that’s the final reason why I don’t want any other fucker in it! My world is too complex as it is, without having someone else in it distracting me from doing what I need to do.
Also, generally speaking, I’m enjoying having some time (and space) where I can just think about myself. I’ve not had that amount of available headspace in a long time, and I know in my heart that it’s very much needed. Dank/Wank has left behind a considerable amount of unwarranted damage. I know that there will be some challenging times ahead (still), and I want to be able to stand tall (and not crumble) when they arrive or at least have a reasonable ‘game face’ at the ready when needed.
If I’d had to face some of the issues that I’ve recently been presented with, say in my late 20’s, early 30’s, I would NEVER have been able to survive them (fact). It’s only the luxury of age, that has given me a decent set of survival life skills.
Skills I thought I would never use again, now have a new use. My head has repurposed them, and the result can be seen by way of my 'purging posts' on either Instagram or Twitter. I’ve spent so many years of my life having to deal with ever changing situations that have required creative solutions. I’ve never been so grateful, or indebted, to those people from my past who nurtured those skills within me. As I write this, I hope that one day those people will stumble upon these writings, and at the same time, discover my thanks. They are elements of my life, that will be with me, until my dying day. It's 'these' elements that have enabled me to fight an online battle, and at the same time allow people to 'see a David' that they never knew existed, and in my book I consider that to be a good thing.
Once upon a time I said that I didn’t think that wisdom and age were connected, I’ve since decided that was a crock of shit, and that they most certainly are!!
Whilst the pattern, and sequence of my life isn’t precisely what I had wished for, the most part has been. Thankfully it’s within this ‘most part' where my life skills have been created, and it's these skills that are helping me to survive this period of my life. These ‘life experiences’ are simply priceless, and there’s no amount of money you could offer me to take that away.
I’ve earned that knowledge through engaging with life, crying the tears that I needed to cry and clutching my heart when it was in pain. I’ve dealt with things in MY way, and I will continue to do so. This is me singing my own song and making my own kind of music. Listen to it if you want to, shove off if you don’t!! The years that I do have left in my life are mine, and I will use them as I see fit. Which is precisely what everyone does, so why should I be any different?
I said in a Twitter post that I have nothing left to lose; the worst has already happened in my life, at the behest of others. So, there’s no reason why I should fear life anymore, I’d rather embrace it, and trust that the universe will guide me, in whatever direction, it needs me to follow. There’s been a little voice (not in a psychotic way, I hasten to add!) in my head these last few months, it keeps saying ‘trust me’ it’s a part of my mind that has been strangled by the emotional bit for years. I’ve switched that emotional bit off for a while, the next best move that I ever could have taken. I figure it’s time to listen to the bit that, in the past, has being saying ‘why did you do that?’, ‘what on earth are you doing?’, ‘Hello! Hello! David are you listening?!?’, ‘oh my life I can’t believe you’re doing this again!’, ‘why are we back to doing this again!!’, ‘what on earth has happened?’, ‘Idiot!’, ‘OMG listen to me!!’, ‘Urrrgh’
I mean it can’t make anything any worse, can it? Mind you though 😁
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