6 years ago, during the month of October, I left London to repair what was (back then) a severely damaged life. Some might think that I ran away, but then those people were not privy to how hurt my heart was, or how broken my soul was, after an insurmountable betrayal of my life, by a man that I had loved for 8 years. Of course, there has since been another man, who betrayed my trust, in an equally painful way.
There were a total of 4 people, on the night in question, who I will remember for the rest of my days. And in the background, of that event, there were others including my ex boyfriend of 8 years. I learnt a lot, that night, about how purely twisted, vindictive and evil, people can be. And despite how much you might think, that a person you have loved, would never betray you in such a way, I can assure you that is very much NOT the case.
Up until that night, I naively thought that because ‘I’ would never do such a thing, no one else would either. It seems such a daft thought, looking back at it retrospectively, but back then I wasn’t the man that I am today. I trusted implicitly, and with my heart on my sleeve. These days the reverse is true, and I’m a bit more protective of myself and more skeptical of those around me, especially if they give me a reason to doubt or be suspicious of them. Yes, there have been times, typically during my meth relapses, where the wrong people have worked their way back into my life, like a cancerous polyp, and like that cancerous growth, they needed to be removed.
London was never going to be a place where I was going to be able repair, my love affair with the capital well and truly ended, on that night. For the first time I saw an ugliness to that environmental space, that I didn’t know existed. And when the love affair ended, so did some of my most cherished memories of my time there. For many years I despised London, but very recently I have realised that it wasn’t the place that I hated, just those who had taken away, so many happy memories of my time there. And its been important for me to realise, and make that distinction.
I loved my time in London, very much. Something that I have not spoken about, or revealed before now, and I hate the fact that it all changed in the space of, what? Maybe 5 hours spent at an address in North London, in June 2016. 5 hours where all I wanted to do, was to escape from the pain of living with someone, who I had ended my relationship with 4 weeks earlier, and who had spent so much time lying to me. The world never got to understand the reason, they only got to see me, at my very worst. And that was all that it really it took.
I've recently learnt that, as we begin to advance in our years, our memories mean so very much more to us. We take warmth and pleasure, in looking back at key moments within our lives, and reflect on how things have changed and developed. It’s so painful to realise that either a single person or a group of people, can demolish what it takes a lifetime to construct and build, in one single thoughtless act.
I’ve returned to London many times since, although there are some spaces and places that continue to prove difficult for me to deal with…but I’m working on it. You see those memories, and experiences, that I do cherish, are mine. There of a time, before meth took over and changed everything. They revolve around people that have since moved on with their lives, and who probably barely remember me. They revolve around ex boyfriends, who didn’t damage and hurt me and who I separated from, not because I loved them less, purely because our lives were moving in different directions, and it no longer felt right. I think about these ex-boyfriends, from time to time, and within those thoughts, there’s no malice, just an enduring respect (and love) for the times that we had together.
I mention it here because these are feelings that I don’t have for any ex-partner, from 2007 onwards. Which means that the very last time, I looked back with any fondness, for any man from my past, was over 16 years ago! Everything since has been total dross!
Which segues nicely onto David’s current headspace. It’s always tempting, at the end of any relationship, to go charging into another one, purely because it fills the empty void that has been left behind. This time though, and for the first time in my life, I decided that I wanted to do things differently. I felt that I had invested enough of my time, into those who clearly didn’t deserve it, and that it was time to give David some much needed attention.
I had neglected to address things that required addressing, not least of all my drug sobriety that I had cataclysmically thrown away, in the first half of 2021. As a result of that, some undesirables had latched onto my life (once again) like a leech, and consequently, by default, I had allowed them to play with, and destroy my life even more. It was necessary to rebuild, get a grip and deal with what was going on around me. It sounds ooooh so easy, just writing about it, but I promise you that it was not the case. I’ve had to fight and clamber to get back on top of all the destruction from 2021, not least of all the stupidity of my most recent ex-partner and his own vindictive, unnecessary (and pointless) actions.
Has David accomplished that? Well, all I can say is that I’m in a VERY different place, mentally speaking, than I was 9 months ago. My drug sobriety is now back on course, and whilst it will always be an ongoing battle for me, it’s one that I can never lose again, and I have a new batch of internal scarring that will remind me why.
So many demons needed a proper hardcore look at, and David had to find a way to love those demons. Why? Because if you don’t love/recognise them (they are, after all, every bit a part of you, as everything else) they will return to bite you on the ass….and not in any way that could be considered, as being good!
No one likes to look at the dross, it’s nasty, horrible, and painful, particularly if they are things that you know to be true. But things could not continue, in the way that they had been. I was doing myself a discredit and disservice, and everyone knew it…apart from me (well maybe deep down inside, as I said before, it’s hard to look at the dross)
I’m pretty happy at the moment, I’m about to embark on what I hope will be a journey of new adventures and the start of a new chapter in my life. A few weeks back, I told my mum about my thoughts, and my ‘plans for the future’. She said, although I doubt she remembers saying so, “I hope you find the things that you want David”, and there it was, the sudden realisation that I have so many of those things already and have had the good fortune to have experienced some great things in my life, that others will not. These thoughts were not there 9 months ago, hell maybe not even 2-3 years ago.
10 months ago, I entrusted someone, by telling them about the things that I feared the most in an attempt to rescue what was left of a dying relationship. They were, loneliness, and the fear that I would never become the man that I desperately wanted to be. They, of course, betrayed that trust, but I can honestly say that at this juncture of my life, and at this time, I’m at peace with those fears. I’m OK with being single and I’m both loving and embracing the many good things that come with that. I have nothing left to prove, either to myself or anyone else and neither do I need anyone’s approval to be me…or lead a life where I can continue to do so. David will always be a naughty boy and full of kink, but I’m discovering that David quite simply doesn’t require a substance to be able to do that. David has needed to trust in himself a little bit more and will continue to do so, as the years progress.
I’ve got a wee way to go yet, but I know I’m doing OK and when we see positive changes within ourselves, it provides the power and determination to continue. I didn’t have any of these things 9 months ago, now I do and I’m hungry for those things not to change.
I would love to have a man in my life, again, at some point. Just not now. I have more work to do on myself, and if I let anyone else into my life (at least currently) I would begin to resent them being there. They would not see the very best that David can be, and neither would it be fair on them, because David would just be passing his own troubles onto a life that does not deserve them, and that would be a tragedy to both parties. Having said that I’m very much up for having some fun along the way, and hopefully meeting some good people who I can forge new memories with. Memories that I can look back upon with fondness and love. Memories that will replace those, that are shrouded in hurt.
When I moved back home, it was with the intention that it would only be for 'a few years', but suddenly things were changing around me that required a change in my priorities. Which in turn led me to being here for longer, then I was mentally prepared for. Being back home has been a double edged sword, yes it gave me the ability to begin to resolve my headspace into a better place. But it's also an environment where I cannot fully be me, it's an environment that has unpleasant memories from my childhood. Particularly the school bullying I endured, in my very early teens. The world was a very different place back in the early 80's, back then I'm not even sure that I knew what the word 'gay' meant. Only that it was a name I was called at school, and that the word was the cause of my bullying.
At the beginning of the year, I promised myself that by the end of it, I would be in a different place both mentally and physically. I feel that I’m well on my way, to accomplishing both.
I moved back home for a reason, things have changed, and now I find myself in a place where it’s finally time for me to move on. Life is not something that you have a second take at, you cannot wind back time and change what was. However, you can change the things that are yet to come. It’s entirely possible to be more in tune with the way that the universe directs you, and to bend (as someone once told me) “like a reed in the wind". I’ve spent so much of my life trying to force against that “wind” and perhaps to my own detriment. But like a child, who’s told not to touch the oven door, because it is hot, sometimes we must touch that oven door, several times over, to realise that it is. As adults, we’re still very much like children. We continue to belittle and taunt each other, to make each other feel that we do not belong. We are all children, just in older and taller bodies. Beyond these things…we are but identical.
As an aside, it seems that David quite likes to experiment with selfies! And if you follow my Twitter or Instagram accounts, you’ll have discovered that I’ve become quite brave and bold in doing so. It’s been a lot of fun to let ‘that side of me’ loose, and it’s all a part of loving the person that is you, in its entirety and as a whole, including the bad bits.
I know that there will be those of you out there who won’t understand my newfound love for selfie taking, but at the same time there will be even more, who will absolutely get it. These are the people who have followed me, and my story, from the first moment that I became brave enough to want to talk about it. And it’s those people, that I will always remember and have respect for.
That’s all for now, but in closing let’s just say, let’s do it all over again at the end of the year. And should you find yourself in a place where this blog has resonated, I hope you find some peace and direction, that will enable you to find your own happy place…given time and perspective.
Take care David x
'Changes' by David Bowie (1971)
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