We enter this world, as little more than a basic biological blueprint of our parents DNA. We know nothing of love, loss, abandonment, or betrayal as these are emotions that we encounter, during the course of a lifetime. We’re unaware of hate, vindictiveness, or the often-two-faced nature of our peers. However, we learn to accept them and learn from the experience of encountering them. We come into this world as a little ball of innocence, which, as we grow older is slowly corrupted, altered and changed. Is that such a bad thing? No, of course not! All those experiences shape us, into the people that we are today, for better or for worse.
Wow! That’s quite a collection of words for the opening of a blog! And you might be wondering, and possibly not for the first time, where on earth is he going with this? As with my past blogs, all will be become clearer (at least I hope it will) as we progress through a series of words, thoughts, and ponderings. I do know this; however, this one will be my last blog for a while. Why? Because I feel that I’ve come full circle, after a year that has been full of development and change. As with most things in my life, and given the choice, I would rather not have dealt with some of these experiences, but neither can I deny that they have contributed to the weave of the fabric of the man, that I have become.
And what type of man is that? A happy one. One who is content with the life that he has, and one that is grateful for all the many wonderful things, that have come my way, in the last 52 years of my life.
My goodness, 2022 has been full of different experiences. In fact, the word ‘different’ will feature quite predominately over the next few paragraphs.
I started the year, with a decision to end something, which progressed into wanting to move forward and getting back on track with my drug sobriety, discovering that certain folk were causing background turbulence in my life, having to face (and deal) with that turbulence and being open, and honest, with the world, in a way that I hadn’t previously considered as being necessary.
I know what you’re thinking, oh my days, here he goes again, dredging up the past (yet) again (yawn). Well surprise people! This is something I am not going to do. I feel I’ve dredged it up more than enough, and that continuously dredging it up is not something that will enable David to move forward, and I think we’ve already ascertained, that David wants to move forward….and is very much doing so.
David had some things to fix, this year. Yes, there was the aforementioned turbulence, but more than that, David had to fix himself. Someone recently asked me, what my ‘turning point‘ was? It was the morning of the 6th of January; I woke up feeling as if someone had been shouting at me all night. The message was clear, “David, this isn’t good enough, and deep down inside you know that to be true”, “you need to sort yourself out, and fast”. And that, quite literally, is the best way that I can describe how I felt. The rest, as they say, is history.
As I’m writing this, on the 23rd of December, I’m 15 days away from being able to celebrate the 1st year of my sobriety from recreational drug usage. And for the second time in my life, it still feels great! For a recovering addict, such as myself, it will always be an ongoing challenge. But I have ever so many weapons, in my arsenal (lol), that will remind me of why I can’t let this slip again. The most important one being is, that this time around, I’ve not done it for other people, I’ve done it for myself.
I no longer want to project a version of myself that, quite simply, isn’t me. I no longer want to project the ‘façade’ of David. I prefer the current version of myself. It’s a version that is happy, one that doesn’t pretend to be something that he is not, and is more at one, or perhaps accepting at best, of the world that surrounds him.
Sobriety pins and badges carry their own mantra, “to thine own self be true”. There’s so much power in those six words, but then it’s difficult to question the talent of William Shakespeare, the man who first penned those words. The simplistic meaning of which is to ‘have trust in yourself’.
There’s that word again, it’s come up ever so many times in my writing over the last 3 years. Trust.
The keen-eyed reader will already know that David has declared himself, many times over, to be a man with trust issues. So, David decided, this year, as with many other things, to approach it from a different angle. To coin a phrase, how can you trust someone else, when you don’t trust yourself?
Drug usage issues are very pernicious, they latch onto the things that we don’t naturally feel, and artificially create them for us. In my case I didn’t feel either sexually confident or desirable, without Crystal Meth. It enabled me to feel those things, and whilst being a fake façade, the power of those emotions is as addictive, as the drug itself.
There was something else that accompanied that ‘turning point’ moment, another little voice inside my head, that said “trust me”. You can have the things that you want in life, to feel desirable, and to be wanted, without having to resort to using. But you must start to lead with your head, and not with your heart. I think I’ve mentioned this in a previous blog, but I’m reinforcing it here, to be clear that it was true. And some of the best decisions, that I’ve made this year, have been because my head has been granted some long-term clarity with which to make those decisions, unencumbered. At this point, it would be remiss of me, not to mention Ralf at RealClearFetish. His podcast interviews, with gay men who have had their own survival stories through drug usage, and gay fetish, have been a powerful tool. Those podcasts have helped me to separate the two, and re discover fetish outside of using, and as I like it, a bit on the ‘naughty side’, that’s what they call personal empowerment.
One of the unexpected happenings of 2022, is that I’m now with a new man! Yeah, I know, several months ago I said that I’d rather have my eyeballs gouged out, with a rusty spoon, than to be in another relationship, but the moment took me completely by surprise and as with many things, when I was least expecting it.
The first half of 2022 was a rocky one, to be sure, but life experiences (for better or for worse) got me through it. It was a little bit terrifying, a little bit exciting and a little bit dramatic, but what hasn’t killed me, has made me (gratefully) stronger and I have absolutely no complaints.
2022 also delivered an event that I have been expecting since 2016, an unexpected encounter with my ex-partner Simon. The very same Simon that I have mentioned several times in the past, and who was partially responsible for changing my life, in unimaginable ways as a result of Image Abuse. It was from him that I first learnt about betrayal, inside a relationship, and the calculating vindictiveness of others, a lesson that I was reminded about, by another ex, last year.
I was in a club in Manchester at the time, and with the man who has recently become my boyfriend. And there he was, standing right in front of my eyes. For all these years the masses have no doubt expected me to blow up in a violent fit of rage, and yet there was nothing. Just a mental recognition of the fact, that he was there, and nothing more. Coincidentally that was the first time that I briefly mentioned, to the guy that I was with, that I had seen an ex-partner (that night) who had “done something rather nasty to me” (quite the understatement). Over the following weeks, I gave him a little more of the back story, and what’s more, he stuck around!
There was a time when, if I had been granted the ability of time travel, I would have gone back to that night in June 2016 and changed everything. But these days, I wonder what else might have changed ? By changing the past, would I still be the man that is stronger for the experience today? And it’s because of this doubt, that today, I’ve decided to leave the past untouched.
He knows what he’s done, I know what he’s done. And other people know what he’s done. I no longer need, or want, to pursue anything more. David has developed, he’s screamed it all out and with each cleansing scream, he has become a man that is no longer the sum of the worst thing that has ever happened to him, and for whatever universal power has guided me through the negativity, I am so very grateful.
When I step back, and view my life so far, I have very little to grumble about and if it all ended tomorrow, there would be few regrets. And I promise that statement to be true.
2022 has been about David trusting himself, it’s also been about difference. Having a different perspective on things, being in different places and gradually meeting different people. Leading with my head, and not my heart, appears to have delivered a good result. So that’s the way I’ll move forward.
Sometimes the stars, in the heavens, align and the universe bestows a gift upon you, the gift of having the right people around you, and at the right time. Those people might be family, they might be friends or indeed the people that you work with. They become a true constant during your day, and whether they’re aware of it or not, become part of the glue that contributes to the happy equilibrium of your life. I’m grateful to say that, in my case, all the above is true. Perhaps the same could have been said of previous years, but the difference is that this year, I’ve been so very much more aware and appreciative of it. David is changing, and it’s a change that feels both right and good. It’s not to be questioned, or over examined, I’m merely lucky that it’s there at all and I intend to embrace it, whilst it is. It’s these moments of wellbeing that remind us of why we must continue to push through, even when the path becomes an intricate one to navigate.
A lot has been written about the life changing aspects of Image Abuse/Revenge Porn, and quite rightly so. In my opinion, it’s the evilest thing, that you can bestow onto the life of another individual and with calculated intention. It’s an act that takes the life of its victim and quite literally rips it to shreds.
When I first started to write about this subject, I wanted to do so with an element of positivity. I wanted to reach out to everyone and say, that you can recover the life that was taken away. You can recover the soul of the person, that as a result of that act, has become a mere shadow of its former self. It takes time for that recovery process to begin (and end) and the duration of that process is unique, and special, to the individual.
I hope, that in some small way, across these years, I’ve been able to demonstrate that ‘element of positivity’.
There will be little (or big) stumbles along the way, but don’t be afraid to pick yourself up and (as the song goes) start all over again. There’s no shame to be had in failure, so you have nothing to lose.
If you’ve found some inspiration in my writing over the years, then wow! How lucky am I? I’ve reached that single person, that I always intended it, to be about.
May 2023 provide you with the strength and guidance to navigate you, toward your own happiness.
David x
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